Ain't Nothing But a Family Thing

It's not just about the not knowing. Of course it's also about the money. But it's not about the reality of the money situation. Of course it's all tied up in my family issues and my perfection issues and my constant fear of being (gasp) irresponsible! Good grief, it's like the same cardinal sin as weakness and vulnerability. Of course it stems from the endless financial lectures from Dad, of course it comes from my family where we have repeated explicit conversations about financial equality but rarely discuss emotions, of course it fits right in with feeling like I don't deserve to spend money, or, heaven forbid, take up any sort of space, in any sort of capacity. Of course I would spend 6 months beating myself up over spending money, then beating myself up for bitching about it when in fact, I'm not poor, I'm nowhere near poor. Of course it would trigger astronomical levels of stress for me, and of course I would hate myself more for that. Gah. I fucking hate money. Thank god for therapy.