Just got back from my "hot date" with April. She introduced me to the wonder that is Melissa Ferrick. Seriously, go find this woman's music right now. She FUCKING ROCKS! Drive - the best, dirtiest song every written. So yeah, just spent the last 2 hours listening to some really fucking awesome live "folk" music. That's technically how her show was billed, but that's really stretching the genre. Anyway, some of the stuff she said, and the day being what it is and all (my anniversary with dan was on v-day - I know, how gross and sappy is that?) I thought maybe I'd address some of the stuff that's been percolating around up there. So it's been nearly 4 years, and yet somehow this past october was the first time I decided to deal with some of this crap. Which makes me sound so much more emotional and melodramatic than I am. All I'm saying is that dan was really, truly, the first boy I was ever in love with, and perhaps if I'd addressed how much leaving him was going to mess me up at the time, instead of pretending that I was all healthy and normal about it, then I wouldn't be here now having this conversation with myself. Those of you who helped me hash this out a few months ago already know that part of the reason I freaked out so rapidly over chris was that it was perhaps the first time in years I really liked a boy. I mean, over the past 3.5 years I've flirted and dated and fooled around and gotten crushes and I thought the lack of anything even resembling a serious relationship was just a side effect of my life. I realized that right after breaking up with dan I had zero interest in anything close to commitment, but I just figured that as time passed I slowly became ready for relationships again and just didn't seem to have them. Right. All my friends are laughing at me right now, 'cause they apparently knew what was up the whole time and it's pretty damn funny that it just dawned on me this past fall. Anyway. So, with some help, I finally put that one together. And I was just thinking about it again, because, well, I always think about dan around this time, but also because I am interested in a (actually more than one) boy again and it's so startling and interesting to me how different this all feels. Like moving the hell out of Ohio just broke some dam inside me and suddenly I remember how to do this again. Well, not really. I mean, I never had a clue in the first place. But I guess I remembered how to want this again. And it's nice. And every so often I get the desire to contact dan and ask how he's doing and tell him I'm doing all right, better than all right, but that I was really fucked up as a result of leaving him and I hope he never thought it was something I did lightly. And about a zillion other things. But I can just never figure out how to say them without sounding like I want something from him or hurting him again, so despite advice, I never contact him. Then again, I've never said this stuff so "publicly" before, so perhaps it's some sort of intermediate step, working up to having the...nerve? courage? words? to talk to him.