succumbing to peer pressure

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


I've mused about this before, but a series of conversations has percolated it back toward the front of my brain, so here we are again. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not actually looking for a Partner in the serious permanent commitment right now sort of way (actually, anyone who knows me knows I'd really rather just get laid as soon as possible) but nevertheless, I miss partnerships. Mark and Carrie and our lives back at Belmar definitely constituted a partnership, one that I took for granted a little too often. Living with them, leaning on them, relaxing around them, certainly went a long way toward keeping my sanity, in a way that I clearly have not been able to replicate here, given the summer I just crawled out of. I'm trying to convince myself that relationships like that take time, that it took three years in Cleveland before I figured it out, and this is my third year here, and I'm no longer living alone, so...maybe I can find it again. I'm trying not to be cynical and believe those people who say you just make fewer connections like that as you grow up. I just want someone (or someones) in front of whom I can allow myself to cry, people around whom, from time to time, I can stop pretending and let them take care of me a bit.

Speaking of pretending, A has been thinking about that lately, and though we've reached different conclusions, we managed to have a brief but interesting conversation about our varying points of view (she thinks part of growing up is having more people expect you to pretend, to tone down the emotional reactions; I'm coming to terms with being more honest, with worrying less about making people worry).

Anyway. Those are the random thoughts of the evening. I'm slowly starting to get school back under control (the first couple of weeks of class ended up feeling much more hectic than necessary due to my complete denial about the beginning semester and thus procrastination of all work until a single weekend that was also full of social engagements that I refused to pass up). TA-ing for three classes should be interesting (I'm supposed to be grading papers right now) so we'll see how that goes...

Oh, one more random musing - I watched Thirteen Days the other night, and it nearly broke my heart. I realize that the Kennedys are romantacized and idolized beyond recognition, and I certainly don't know enough about the Cuban Missile Crisis to have any idea of how accurate the movie is...nevertheless, the way the characters spoke about the president, the faith they had in him to protect their families, to act thoughtfully and carefully, the references to morality and a personal set of ethics...I just can't even imagine feeling that way about a leader any more. I'm not sure a person about whom I could feel that way could ever get elected.


Anonymous Sudiptya said...


"I just can't even imagine feeling that way about a leader any more."

You're totally breaking the unspoken rules of our relationship! You're supposed to be my Pollyanna, I'm supposed to be the bitter and confrontational Hindu... how can you even say something like this?

There are some damn fine people in this world. People willing to be the sort of target that politicians have to be in the public eye... sooner or later, America will have to have the sort of leader you're talking about, or our collective hearts will burst. It'll happen, just have faith.

1:37 AM  
Blogger Carrie Shanafelt said...

The nicest thing about the partnership we had at Belmar is the very thing that can't be replicated in a love-partnership. We could take each other for granted. Just like now, you may take the love of your parents for granted. Having a love you can take for granted, so you can have the strength to go out in the world and do other things with confidence, is wonderful. But it's also super-difficult to replicate. What am I going to do, tell my friends, "I'm looking for a friend I don't have to think about, but will just be available whenever I have needs and will give me the confidence to pursue the rest of my life"? No way. And I certainly don't want to treat my boyfriend that way. But I am starting to wonder -- maybe it's the taking for granted that matters the most about, and is the best part of, what we had there.

And (b), Barack?

12:56 PM  

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