succumbing to peer pressure

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Checking Out

So I do this thing. Call it Momma Megan or Social Chair or what have you, it's all the same. I organize and plan and take charge and just get things done. Sounds sort of nice, maybe, on the surface. Finding fun activities for my friends and I to do...but it's a way of not being there, of being on autopilot, of avoiding...I don't know, of avoiding being more emotionally present. (how's that for a phrase right out of therapy?) Because it's so much easier to be competent and organized than actually, simply, there. It's funny, I think Sudiptya was one of the first people to point out to me how many walls you have to clambor over to really get to know me. Of course, I thought that was bullshit at the time. One of those things you think about yourself to feel more interesting and complicated and mysterious. I'm more of a what you see is what you get kind of gal, I thought. And it's sort of true - I'll divulge seemingly intimate details pretty rapidly into a friendship. And yet...and yet. Well. I'm working on it.

Also, at this point I feel the need to give a little shout out to A White Bear and Phutatorius' Chestnut - I talk about you guys a fair amount in therapy, and how living with you was good for my mental health (among many other pleasant things about us living together). So, you know, thanks.


Blogger A White Bear said...

I think you're right about the weird ways we avoid intimacy with friends through a pretense of intimacy. I share extremely personal details about myself with people, and they think it means we're close, but it's my way of keeping them at bay. You throw yourself into being a good-time girl to have a role among friends without having to invest in them. I'm not sure it's fair of us. I end up knowing people who think we're bestest buds because I told them about being suicidal when I was 8, but they don't know that's one of the first things I tell anyone about me.

So is the problem that other people assume we're intimate because they really feel so close to us, or that other people haven't experienced an intimacy that goes deeper than hanging out and sharing secrets? My bf often asks, "How are you going to make living with [Gymno] and [PC] not the high point of your life?" And sometimes I don't know how to answer that.

It's not that we were so happy all the time. We argued, and I was kind of miserable during that stretch. But it was nice to feel like every day I came home to people who really, really loved me.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

"But it was nice to feel like every day I came home to people who really, really loved me."


10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

C'mon. Say it. You know you want to say it.

"Sudiptya is always...."



3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You got high on life
but you grew a tolerance
we'll straighten you out

7:10 AM  

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