Checking Out

So I do this thing. Call it Momma Megan or Social Chair or what have you, it's all the same. I organize and plan and take charge and just get things done. Sounds sort of nice, maybe, on the surface. Finding fun activities for my friends and I to do...but it's a way of not being there, of being on autopilot, of avoiding...I don't know, of avoiding being more emotionally present. (how's that for a phrase right out of therapy?) Because it's so much easier to be competent and organized than actually, simply, there. It's funny, I think Sudiptya was one of the first people to point out to me how many walls you have to clambor over to really get to know me. Of course, I thought that was bullshit at the time. One of those things you think about yourself to feel more interesting and complicated and mysterious. I'm more of a what you see is what you get kind of gal, I thought. And it's sort of true - I'll divulge seemingly intimate details pretty rapidly into a friendship. And yet...and yet. Well. I'm working on it.

Also, at this point I feel the need to give a little shout out to A White Bear and Phutatorius' Chestnut - I talk about you guys a fair amount in therapy, and how living with you was good for my mental health (among many other pleasant things about us living together). So, you know, thanks.