succumbing to peer pressure

Monday, November 15, 2010

To Do List Free Days and Turning 30

Technically, I haven't been fulfilling my new year's pledge to do one TDLF day a month. But, it turns out that having a boyfriend means relatively frequently foregoing the to do list. Which, at least in my case, is a good thing. A very good thing.

As reyn points out in his comment below, I've been a little quiet on the boy front. As most of you probably know, or could have guessed, this whole boyfriend thing is a little weird for me. I haven't called someone that since Dan. Which just goes to show how long one can cruise along, quite dysfunctional, before one gets her shit together.

And get it together I have*. I feel like this place - dream job, dream city, dreamy relationship - is precisely what Becky and I kept working toward. And not just working to get me here, but working to where I could recognize how fabulous here is, and, you know, hopefully only mess it up a little.

Which is why, when M turned to me this weekend and asked if I was freaked out about turning 30, I could answer quite unabashedly, no. Granted, age has never really freaked me out, but as I said to him, a quick review of the past few months makes it pretty clear that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. And how could I be here without also being on the cusp of turning 30?

There isn't a particularly good way to talk about how sweet this life is without also sounding like I'm bragging. But what I want to say is that while I do feel tremendously lucky, and try my best to appreciate how good this life is, I also want to recognize and take credit for just how hard I worked to get here. And by hard work I mean both academically and professionally to position myself here but also personally and emotionally.

Which brings us back to the boy. Becky spent a lot of time asking me to sit with all the emotions that make me want to get up and run away - feeling lonely, vulnerable, wanting a partner. All that stuff still makes me want to run away. And I'm still pretty insecure and crazy when it comes to being in a relationship (see earlier post about body image). But I'm working on it. Because he's worth it.

Pretty early on I told one of my friends that I was willing to sacrifice myself on the alter of humiliation for this guy. Not because I thought that was going to be necessary (it wasn't) but because I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand missing out on this because I was scared.

So. What can I tell you about him? He's thoughtful and kind, smart and geeky, handsome and responsible. The first thing he tells his friends about me is that I have a PhD. He likes me for the right reasons. That's the important stuff.

*nevermind that I've been feeling a bit of mess lately on the details - irresponsible eating and sleeping habits, working too much, etc. etc. It's the big picture stuff that took all the work.


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