succumbing to peer pressure

Saturday, April 09, 2005

(postponed due to blogger sucking)

The Update

Ok, now that I've taken so long the story isn't even all that interesting anymore...the reason I've been claiming to be living someone else's life is because throughout most of March (and apparently, maybe, into April) I have suddenly become a Casual Dater! Who would have seen that coming? That's right, smack dab in the middle of midterm hell and working full time to finish up my hours at the CDC and generally losing my mind, (oh, and playing incessant phone tag with The Boy until he finally met me at school one evening, acting all weird, as usual, and wanting to hang out (!) but at least I finally got my book back) I decided it would be a good time to go out for coffee and lunch and whatnot with a few guys. Unfortunately, I'm 0 for 3. Hence why the stories aren't all that interesting anymore. All three were perfectly nice, but for whatever reason I just wasn't all that into bachelor number 1, bachelor number 2 wasn't all that into me, and bachelor number 3 appeared to have the most potential, but blew it with a little too much intensity/love-dovey-ness. So I put that kibosh on that one. Yeah, I'm a heinous, judgemental bitch. Throw in some thoroughly enjoyable, purely platonic cuddling with a good friend, and March was one hell of a month. And just when I thought things were quieting down, rumor has it that one of my students is interested in me. Before you launch into the inappropriate lecture, let's remember that a) I didn't say I was going to date him (I don't even know who it is!) b) my students are grad students and c) the semester will be over in 3 weeks.

Right. So all of that has been interesting. Let's see, what else have I been up to? Freaking out about school more than usual. That's less than fun. Discovered that apparently the fourth semester of my PhD program is the time my brain picks to suddenly become bad at taking tests. Got paranoid today that I don't think like a PhD student. Am working to convince myself that this is just imposter syndrome and will pass. Of course I don't have time to think like a PhD student right now, I'm too busy trying not to drown. During my calmer moments I realize that, allegedly, this is as bad as it gets. And if I can get through this, well, everything else from here on out will feel less like balancing in mid-air. I don't harbor any disillusions that somehow writing a dissertation will be any form of easy, but at least it will be different from the homework, study, test, ever-present fear of The Qualifier that this semester is. Also in my calmer moments I admit that, although I am certainly working harder than ever before, it still isn't all work and no play (obviously, see above paragraph). It's like when I would come home from case and Mom would look at me and ask, Megan, really how hard are you working? with a little half smile. Because she knows even when I'm totally stressing out and complaining about how bad things are I'm still going out with friends and chilling on the couch and generally having a good time, at least for a moment or two in between storms. So, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And I say that if I can swing this semester while working part time and teaching and tutoring and drinking and seeing movies and dating for the first time in ages, then I damn well better be invincible when I graduate!


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