succumbing to peer pressure

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Reality sets in

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I still don't know if I were offered both the non-profit job and the fellowship which I would choose. But I think I'm making progress. At least, I'm a little less moony-eyed over the whole thing, which is good timing, since going up there and swooning at everything probably wouldn't lead to my best decision making. I'd say I've mostly come to terms with the travel stuff. I've talked to a ton of friends who travel to similar cities, countries, villages, etc. and feel pretty reassured that I can, in fact, do this. So now my remaining red flag is primarily my potential boss and his lack of personal/professional boundaries. Part of me thinks this is why now is the perfect time for a job like this - coming straight out of grad school, where I certainly have zero personal/professional boundaries, and feel compelled to work all hours and all days, walking into a job that felt like that but with better pay would seem perfectly reasonable. The other part of me recognizes that a big part of my therapy work has been finding boundaries and learning to say no and learning to take care of myself. And while this job could be like one giant practice round on all my issues, it could also eat me alive. Having a boss I respect and admire, who is also guilting me in to running myself ragged (he already is and I don't even work for him!) is potentially a terrible combination for me. But then again, the work itself is why I went to public health school in the first place, so maybe having a less-than-ideal boss isn't a deal breaker.

I'm not going to talk myself into or out of any of these arguments tonight, but I feel like I have a pretty useful framework through which to view my visit next week. Ack! Next week! One week from right now all my talks and interviewing will be over!

Right. So I got all my flights in order, and Friday I fly to DC, spend Friday and Saturday doing wedding crap, Sunday I fly to San Diego, Monday morning give conference talk, Monday and Tuesday conference crap, Wednesday morning fly to San Francisco, Wednesday day give job talks and interview.

I decided this afternoon that I'm just going to stop stressing over how completely ridiculous that above schedule is. Because I can't do anything to change it. And I am inevitably going to feel harried and sleep deprived and like I haven't had enough time to properly prepare any of my talks, in my neurotic, control-freak way. And that's ok. Because it is what it is and adding meta-stress to that ain't going to help anything. Visualizing how that ridiculous schedule will wrap up with me curled up on a couch somewhere in northern CA babbling to my friends' 6 month old baby - that helps.

My advisor is funny

I've been reading up on a specific niche of statistics, in preparation for one of my job talks (on a requested topic not related to my dissertation). And my advisor suggested I also contact one of the big wigs in that niche, because he also does interesting social and political research, and see what kind of post doc research options he has. I said I didn't plan on becoming this specific kind of statistician and she looked over at me and said, "Megan. I didn't tell you to marry the guy! Just sleep with him!" (NOTE: she was using sex as a metaphor people. calm down.)

She's also been giving me some excellent advice for next week - your job is to make you happy. Your job is not to make his (potential boss) life easier. If you need time to think and decide, make him wait for a decision.

My friend is an author!

This is somewhat old news, but my copy of Voices arrived the other day! Huzzah!


Blogger katey said...

Here's hoping that the post-wedding, post-conference madness will give you the calm, undisturbed time you need to let these things settle in your brain. (Or just another bottle of wine. That works too.)

I'm weirdly nervous about people I know reading that book/my story. Weird, but true. Strangers, whatever! But friends? Oh dear god.

Still, woo!

12:15 PM  

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