Nostalgia

Was reminiscing tonight about The Infamous Fourth of July Weekend. I don't think anyone who reads this was there that night, but it was like something out of a movie - my friend Judy's parents were out of town for the long weekend, she got along well enough with her older brother that his friends and her friends could all play nice together (perhaps a little too nice, as one of our friends and her older brother started dating that weekend...) and we just partied for three nights in a row. I remember it was the first time I had been drunk more than one consecutive night, I chain smoked, drank a lot, ate a lot...it was great. Each morning (afternoon) those of us in the 'core' friend group would get up, help clean, prepare for that evening's festivities.

Came home tonight and stood out on the deck (the newly refinished deck) and smelled the rain and the spring leaves and thought about that last night of freshman year, one of my first perfect nights...and played the would-I-live-it-all-over-again game. I used to play this game a lot, thinking that answering the question in the negative was a good sign, an indication that I was where I needed to be in my life. The first time (no kidding) I thought about this was my last day in sixth grade. I stood in the downstairs of my elementary school, thought about 'graduating' to junior high school, and wondered, if given the opportunity, would I start over again? Definitely no. After reading Our Town in high school I performed this little thought exercise even more (hey, I didn't know any better! I was well into college before I figured out that I could dislike members of the canon of literature). Anyway. By then I had switched and thought that an affirmative answer was a better indicator of a 'good' life. Throughout most of college my answer was yes. Sure, there were times that sucked, but even the not-so-good times had led to where I was now, which was inevitably where I was meant to be, so no regrets, right? Then last summer...well, last summer happened and I went back to my no answer. Not only did I not want to live through that again but I didn't think I could...But now, at least tonight, having come out on the other side of it (albeit a side that still requires quite a bit of work) I'm back to yes. Life is good, even when it's bad, and I'd go back to any of those moments, just to have them again. The Infamous Fourth of July Weekend, freshman year, whatever. Now is pretty damn good too, but I'd take the opportunity to have the other goods and bads to get back here again. What do you know? I'm back to the old Pollyanna me. Isn't that nice?