succumbing to peer pressure

Monday, May 30, 2011

Talking about him

I have a lingering issue around talking about my boyfriend. Becky and I spent hours (hours!) bringing me around to the crazy notion that it is not only acceptable but perfectly normal to want a boyfriend (I prefer the term partner; boyfriend reminds me too much of the terrible teenage years). But I still get all weird and self-conscious talking about him. Nevermind that we're approaching our one year anniversary. Nevermind that things are going swimmingly. I'm still carrying around this baggage.

M won a teaching award (because he's awesome) and at the ceremony last week they asked spouses or partners of awardees to stand. I hesitantly, awkwardly, half-stood and turned bright red.

While out for drinks with mutual friends tonight I a) talked about him and am now replaying all those conversations in my head, wondering, did I talk about him too much? Was I annoying? and b) was reminded just how lucky I am to be with him (my own neuroses aside). The other two women I was out with were commiserating over awkward first dates, men with whom you feel a spark vs. men with whom you don't, navigating those awkward second and third dates, and how often you only get a second, or, if rather lucky, a third date. I was chipping in with my own stories, but they rapidly shushed me. I don't get to tell crappy date stories anymore, I'm with M, thus negating the various trials and tribulations it took to get here.

Which is fine. I probably would do (have done) the same. But I came home and started to compose a sappy e-mail to M (who is out of town) expressing how lucky I am - that I know that, and recognize it daily, but was particularly reminded of it tonight. Saying thanks, being generally sort of lovey. And I stopped. Deleted it. Won't send it. Because I know I'm a bit tipsy. And as such my emotions are more accessible...but come morning I'll be all embarrassed and distant again.

One year in and I'm embarrassed to send a love note to my boyfriend?

Guess I have more work to do.

Thank goodness he's patient.