succumbing to peer pressure

Saturday, February 22, 2003

Alas, still wishing I didn't like it here as much as I seem to. Continuing to think that this is a place where I could really fit in and be really happy. Which I realize is a good thing, and is something I'll be excited about...later. It's just that I came here feeling like Emory was my safety school, and there was really only a very small chance that I would come here...and it's all beginning to feel a lot like CWRU and undergrad. - almost not applying, the last school I heard about/contemplated, somewhat begrudgingly liking it...

We spent the day today with students of various years, toured the campus (on campus housing is *really* awesome), went sightseeing in Atlanta (drinks on the top floor of the Westin, featuring a revolving floor, offering an amazing view of the entire city every 35 minutes), and ate dinner at this great place (Murphy's). I know it was all planned to give us the most positive perspective possible, but somehow even that just helped me to like the place more. We (Anna, Ryan, and I) joked last night that everyone seemed too nice, it had to be an act. And while it still could be, lord knows I'm among the worst judges of character, everything today just came off so genuinely. It was so luxurious to spend the day with people who wanted nothing more than to make sure that a) you enjoyed yourself and b) every question you could possibly think of was answered truthfully and fairly. And the students really seemed to work hard to paint a fair picture of the department, not sugar-coating things, intentionally bringing up minor complaints and whatnot to "balance out" all the postitives they, of course, were making sure to tell us about. I don't know, I just have to believe Marsha (dept. assistant) when she says if we're not happy here, she wants us to go somewhere else. I have to believe that they (the students, faculty, and profs) are honestly looking for who will fit best into the department, not just trying to increase their numbers. *sigh* I hate this part. Not as much as the waiting, but almost. I know that sounds really awful. I know it's like the girl complaining that two boys are fighting over her. I know it makes me sound awful to complain about having numerous wonderful schools making wonderful offers for me to enroll there...but I can't help it.

Friday, February 21, 2003

*groan* So I sort of wish I didn't like Emory as much as I do. Most of the meetings with profs this morning just made me feel like Emory was totally the kind of school and department where I would be really happy (funky, nerdy, enthusiastic, passionate people; a small enough dept. that everyone is pretty tight knit and the profs really know you; enough spare time to go out and have fun). Just makes the decision harder...*sigh*

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Just got an e-mail from Dr. Taylor at U. Mich. informing me that I will be receiving an acceptance letter from them! As exciting as that is, and as sure as I am that what I'm about to say will make me sound like a snob, I have mixed feelings about it. Primarily because when I visited U. Mich. this past fall, I talked to Dr. Taylor about whether I would be entering the MS or PhD programs, since my MS degree is a combined program with my BS, he was concerned that I would need to go back and take some courses. And in his e-mail this evening he says I've been admitted to the MS program, not the PhD. I know it's lame to be less happy about that, and I know it's completely reasonable for the university to want to make sure I have a solid background. And if I'm being completely honest, the fact is I have a very shaky background, and would definitely benefit from some review courses. So why does it sound insulting and feel like this year spent earning my MS doesn't count to them?

Once again, gotta love hotels with internet access. This one is even better because they just handed me an ethernet cable at the front desk, so I have all the high speed internet access of home right here in my room. Wow, I'm a nerd. I'm here in Atlanta, visiting Emory, and it's 60 degrees out and I'm in heaven! I got in this afternoon, but don't have any meetings scheduled until tomorrow morning, so spent some time just wandering around campus. It seems really nice and pretty, very college-town-y. Not much else interesting of note...I'm just avoiding all the work I told myself I'd do tonight...all I want to do is curl up in my big hotel bed and watch hours of television...but that looming 37 days and counting should serve as motivation enough to at least get a few more slides done...

Sunday, February 16, 2003

*sigh* So there's this guy, whom I've known for ages. And we have this nice, fun sort of relationship. And nothing between us ever seems serious. So on a couple of occasions we've fooled around a bit, and it's always just seemed like a fun, no strings attached, kind of time to me. But one of our mutual friends has suggested that, even though this guy would probably never admit it, he didn't quite see these little sessions the same way, and in fact they were kind of hard on him, so I should avoid letting them happen in the future. I didn't quite believe this particular friend's theory, but I kept it knocking around in the back of my head nonetheless. So tonight this guy and I are hanging out and it happens to come up that he's "seeing" someone. Which adds just a bit of complication when he starts rubbing my feet and kissing me. So at one point I pull back and ask if this is the sort of relationship he has with this girl, where he can come home and make out with me. He responds by pointing out that I must like him, at least a little, since I'm kissing him back. I respond with the great, non-commital "you're not so bad." (but said in what I hope is a joking, flattering way) So this continues, periods of fooling around with me stopping to point out that this isn't a good idea and I should probably go home, before going right back to kissing him. But eventually, he seemed to...I don't know, not lose interest, but...I can't really explain, I just know that I left feeling like I had sent him unfair, mixed signals and like I'd used him. And while I may not want to marry the guy, I do care about him, and I do wish I could go back and change something about the evening so that I didn't leave feeling like I had caused him to feel badly.