succumbing to peer pressure

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Driving home, listening to Counting Crows, I flash back to sitting on the guest bed in Jeremy's basement, listening to Stacey tell me how August and Everything After is the most amazing album and how Anna Begins will change your life. But I'm jumping ahead. I sometimes confuse the fact that most of the readers of this blog know about Dan with them knowing all of my 'romantic' history. When I was 14 I went to Germany for a gymnastics competition. While I was there I met an American boy from MA named Jeremy. We spent 10 days together, practically inseparable. He was the last person I spoke to before bed and the first upon waking up. It was my first infatuation, and although I'm sure puppy love is a more appropriate name, it was, nevertheless, as much love as I was capable of at the time. We stayed in touch, kept our letters to each other in a bound journal, he drove 15 hours to spend Thanksgiving with me, I arranged for a weekend with him tacked onto the end of a trip to visit my Aunt in Cambridge. It was on my second visit that the above anecdote occured. We had driven to Maine. Jeremy, his best friend Stacey, his girlfriend at the time (who's name escapes me), and I. An odd grouping, to say the least. Got home late, he crashed before work the next morning and Stacey and I shared the guest bed in the basement. So now Counting Crows always reminds me of her. Funny. Moreso than him. He called me, out of the blue, a few christmases ago. Was living in Utah with his fiancee. That's the last I heard.

(postponed due to blogger sucking)

The Update

Ok, now that I've taken so long the story isn't even all that interesting anymore...the reason I've been claiming to be living someone else's life is because throughout most of March (and apparently, maybe, into April) I have suddenly become a Casual Dater! Who would have seen that coming? That's right, smack dab in the middle of midterm hell and working full time to finish up my hours at the CDC and generally losing my mind, (oh, and playing incessant phone tag with The Boy until he finally met me at school one evening, acting all weird, as usual, and wanting to hang out (!) but at least I finally got my book back) I decided it would be a good time to go out for coffee and lunch and whatnot with a few guys. Unfortunately, I'm 0 for 3. Hence why the stories aren't all that interesting anymore. All three were perfectly nice, but for whatever reason I just wasn't all that into bachelor number 1, bachelor number 2 wasn't all that into me, and bachelor number 3 appeared to have the most potential, but blew it with a little too much intensity/love-dovey-ness. So I put that kibosh on that one. Yeah, I'm a heinous, judgemental bitch. Throw in some thoroughly enjoyable, purely platonic cuddling with a good friend, and March was one hell of a month. And just when I thought things were quieting down, rumor has it that one of my students is interested in me. Before you launch into the inappropriate lecture, let's remember that a) I didn't say I was going to date him (I don't even know who it is!) b) my students are grad students and c) the semester will be over in 3 weeks.

Right. So all of that has been interesting. Let's see, what else have I been up to? Freaking out about school more than usual. That's less than fun. Discovered that apparently the fourth semester of my PhD program is the time my brain picks to suddenly become bad at taking tests. Got paranoid today that I don't think like a PhD student. Am working to convince myself that this is just imposter syndrome and will pass. Of course I don't have time to think like a PhD student right now, I'm too busy trying not to drown. During my calmer moments I realize that, allegedly, this is as bad as it gets. And if I can get through this, well, everything else from here on out will feel less like balancing in mid-air. I don't harbor any disillusions that somehow writing a dissertation will be any form of easy, but at least it will be different from the homework, study, test, ever-present fear of The Qualifier that this semester is. Also in my calmer moments I admit that, although I am certainly working harder than ever before, it still isn't all work and no play (obviously, see above paragraph). It's like when I would come home from case and Mom would look at me and ask, Megan, really how hard are you working? with a little half smile. Because she knows even when I'm totally stressing out and complaining about how bad things are I'm still going out with friends and chilling on the couch and generally having a good time, at least for a moment or two in between storms. So, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And I say that if I can swing this semester while working part time and teaching and tutoring and drinking and seeing movies and dating for the first time in ages, then I damn well better be invincible when I graduate!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Gah! I am so behind the times! I didn't even know there was a new DMB album coming out! (by the way, Ahalya, the first single is American Baby, but I can't listen to it as the soundcard on my laptop got fried in the latest thunderstorm. sadness.)

1) Total volume of music files on my computer?
2.8 GB

2) The last CD I bought was:
Garden State soundtrack, and it's barely left my cd player since

3a) The last song I listened to before writing this was:
REM - Nightswimming

3b) Song playing right now:
nothing (see above-mentioned sadness re: soundcard). otherwise, the sound of my cell phone ringing

4) Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
DMB - The Best of What's Around
Snow Patrol - Chocolate
Damien Rice - Delicate
Rufus Wainright - Hallelujah (the Jeff Buckley version is more heartbreaking, but I find the Rufus version more listenable on a repeat-basis)
Oasis - Whatever

5) Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, and why?
flashtopian because I always feel cooler listening to something she recommends
djbryan because he makes the best mix tapes (but I don't have any of them!)
shelbinator since he knows the best local music...well, second to Matt, but he doesn't have a LJ/blog
rinpaurwen because I always find her musical taste pleasantly surprising
And no one else because I'm out of friends to whom the baton hasn't already been passed. boo-hoo.

ps - I promise a real update soon. seriously.

A friend of mine told me today that I have "incredible feminine strength." What a lovely compliment.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

I'm not entirely sure who's life I've managed to hijack, but for the past 4 weeks or more, my life hasn't really felt like my own. Not that I'm complaining. I'm having a grand time. But to whomever's life I seem to have taken over - thank you. Hopefully, details to follow soonish. (edited for drunken misspellings)