succumbing to peer pressure

Monday, November 15, 2010

To Do List Free Days and Turning 30

Technically, I haven't been fulfilling my new year's pledge to do one TDLF day a month. But, it turns out that having a boyfriend means relatively frequently foregoing the to do list. Which, at least in my case, is a good thing. A very good thing.

As reyn points out in his comment below, I've been a little quiet on the boy front. As most of you probably know, or could have guessed, this whole boyfriend thing is a little weird for me. I haven't called someone that since Dan. Which just goes to show how long one can cruise along, quite dysfunctional, before one gets her shit together.

And get it together I have*. I feel like this place - dream job, dream city, dreamy relationship - is precisely what Becky and I kept working toward. And not just working to get me here, but working to where I could recognize how fabulous here is, and, you know, hopefully only mess it up a little.

Which is why, when M turned to me this weekend and asked if I was freaked out about turning 30, I could answer quite unabashedly, no. Granted, age has never really freaked me out, but as I said to him, a quick review of the past few months makes it pretty clear that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. And how could I be here without also being on the cusp of turning 30?

There isn't a particularly good way to talk about how sweet this life is without also sounding like I'm bragging. But what I want to say is that while I do feel tremendously lucky, and try my best to appreciate how good this life is, I also want to recognize and take credit for just how hard I worked to get here. And by hard work I mean both academically and professionally to position myself here but also personally and emotionally.

Which brings us back to the boy. Becky spent a lot of time asking me to sit with all the emotions that make me want to get up and run away - feeling lonely, vulnerable, wanting a partner. All that stuff still makes me want to run away. And I'm still pretty insecure and crazy when it comes to being in a relationship (see earlier post about body image). But I'm working on it. Because he's worth it.

Pretty early on I told one of my friends that I was willing to sacrifice myself on the alter of humiliation for this guy. Not because I thought that was going to be necessary (it wasn't) but because I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand missing out on this because I was scared.

So. What can I tell you about him? He's thoughtful and kind, smart and geeky, handsome and responsible. The first thing he tells his friends about me is that I have a PhD. He likes me for the right reasons. That's the important stuff.

*nevermind that I've been feeling a bit of mess lately on the details - irresponsible eating and sleeping habits, working too much, etc. etc. It's the big picture stuff that took all the work.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Several of my guy friends have told me a similar story about proposing to their girlfriends - despite any sort of elaborate plans he may have had, once he was actually carrying around the ring, he absolutely had to ask her *right now*! I sort of love this. I think it's adorable that they interrupt work, impromptu ask when she gets out of the shower, etc. I love that once they've made up their minds to ask, there is no waiting, they have to blurt it out.

There's a phrase that's been on the tip of my tongue for days...weeks. It's not a question. And it's arguably a bit too early. But I keep almost blurting it out.