I haven't danced spontaneously in ages. But today, standing in Carrie's little NY apartment, with Bryan's 'Get Frisky' mix playing I felt compelled to bop around a bit like the big dork that I am. I think this is a good sign. I still feel pretty far from 'normal' (whatever the hell that means) but I think I might go so far as to classify how I'm feeling today as 'better.' And these days, I'll take what I can get.

I realized that after the last few posts if I pull a disappearing act (which I'm about to do by going to NYC for a week and then being in between apartments and thus without internet) some of you might worry. Which is nice of you, but no need. My doc and I have decided that I'll go off the lex, at least while I'm travelling and moving and having trouble maintaining a semblence of a normal schedule. We'll see when I get back. So I'm ok...mostly....getting better. And I'm off for a week with Carrie, which should help tremendously. So don't worry.

Note to self - when having days like today, do not coddle self and wallow in feelings of ickiness. Get the fuck out of the house, do some yoga, go to the gym, get shit done. Remind self that I'm stronger than this.

Day 3

has not been good. Woke up a little before noon, already a little light headed, but took my third dose, ate some breakfast, and went back to sleep (I didn't crash until after 5 am, so more sleep was in order). Woke up again just after two, still a little light headed, and then bam! the worst panic attack of my life. Ordinarily, my panic attacks feel like what is referred to as "air hunger" - you feel like you're breathing, but not enough, like you can't quite suck in a full breath. This was different, this was like I wasn't breathing at all, like I couldn't inhale anything. Thank goodness it didn't last very long, but it was bad. So now I can't decide what to do, and I'm really worried about the possibility of getting on a plane on Tuesday and having another monumental panic attack at 30,000 feet. I've continued to feel a little wonky the rest of the day, but it's hard to tell how much of that is from the drug and how much is residual from the attack this morning and stressing about what the next few days will be like and whether or not to try to tough them out in the hopes that after the side effects settle down I'll actually feel better.

The Second Wind

Swinging back by my apartment to pick up "Motorcycle Diaries" around 10:30 pm I was worried I might not be able to stay awake through two hours of reading sub-titles. But apparently the excitement of having people over to the new place won me over or something, because after the movie 4 am suddenly rolled around and we were still up talking. Two nights in a row of really good conversations is pretty awesome (and lucky). So now I want to learn more about Che Guevara - any suggestions for a good starting point?