succumbing to peer pressure

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My make it better person* (an ode to PC)

Because I'm not in a relationship, and haven't been for ages, I'm not a consistent priority in anyone's life (excluding my parents). I don't mean this in a woe-is-me sort of way, just a matter-of-fact sort of way. When you're in a (good, functioning) relationship, part of the deal is that that person tends to think of you often, and before most everyone else in his or her life - would you be interested in seeing this movie with me? would you like this book? should we try this restaurant together? how are you feeling? how did your presentation go this morning? etc. etc. The closest thing I have is one of my old roommates from college - it's the little things that stick in my memory - I came back for a weekend visit one summer and he remembered that I liked bagels for breakfast, so he stocked the fridge with just a few bagels and tiny one-serving cream cheese packets. He knows me well enough that when I was moving into my first apt here and I complained to him over the phone that I had put my desk chair together wrong because I had been careless about the instructions and correct number of screws involved he said, that doesn't sound like you, is everything ok? And tonight he told me that even when I'm angry I'm a pretty reasonable person. Which was perhaps not particularly deep or insightful, but it's what I needed to hear. Because I inevitably talk myself into waiting and calming down before telling someone that they've done something hurtful, and I inevitably convince myself that my previous anger was all out of proportion and unreasonable and end up never (rarely) standing up for myself.

*this is a lame reference to Felicity. I'm sure I've made it before. Noel says to Felicity that he wants to be her make it better person - whatever is happening in her life, good or bad, he wants to be the one to help make it better

Sunday, March 25, 2007


I don't really think of myself as the type of person who has best friends. I have lots of friends, and several close friends, but I think of each of them as fitting a different niche in my life. There's the friend I know I can call at 3am when I'm feeling a little crazy and can't sleep, there's the person I prefer to watch movies with, and the one I like to chat with over coffee. Of course, these are oversimplifications, but you get the point. But I spent the past week planning a surprise going away party for Corrine and realized that I do sort of fall into something of a preferred friend pattern. I was starting to feel a little guilty and like a control freak because I did so much of the party prep on my own, but then I realized that was because the person I most wanted to share the work with was the guest of honor! I nearly ruined the surprise a dozen times because I kept wanting to tell her all about the process (how surprisingly hard it is to find going away themed party supplies, how creepy the baby shower aisle is in party stores, how funny the boys were about delegating out beverage and vegetable duties). She's the third in a line of buddies who I certainly didn't take for granted, but who I do think I didn't fully realize just how much I depend on them until now I'm faced with a big open space. First April moved to Boston, then Sanna to LA, and now Corrine to SF. It's not that I don't have other people to hang out with, it's just that these were always the first I'd call, the ones I knew would invite me out or over if I called up on a friday or saturday night and announced that I was bored (aka going stir crazy in my own house). Travers used to be my person for that sort of thing too, and he's still around, but now that he's in a relationship it feels like an invasion to call up last minute without pre-made plans. Which is dumb, I know. And I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party. I'm just realizing two things - I'm a great bit more lonely than I thought I was, and I'm a much different person than I used to be - for both undergrad and grad school I moved to a town where I didn't know anyone (ok, I sort of knew two people here from visiting campus 6 months earlier, but they were hardly ready-made friends) and that excited me and wasn't very scary at all. Now I find the prospect of needing to find a new 'best friend' in a town where I am already well established a little daunting. Starting over again somewhere new seems downright impossible.